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The Short Vort- -“The Finale ” (9/29/10)
The Short Vort
Good Moed!
Today is Wednesday the 21st of Tishrei 5771 and September 29, 2010
The Finale
I really must apologize to all of you.
It really wasn’t correct or accurate of me when I wrote that I received many emails “criticizing me for everything including the North Korean sinking of the South Korean submarine”.
Yes, people do criticize; however, many times I learn good things from the criticism and often it is the criticism which is correct and not I.
However, even those individuals who criticize improperly, they are far out weighed by the majority of you who are appreciative and sometimes even (too) lavish in your praise.
Truth be told, there are have been a few (three to be exact) individuals who have stepped up to the plate and bid- so there was no reason for me to ‘fly off the handle’.
Why then was Rabbi Eisenman upset?
While a lot has to do with the fact that he is human and sometimes he has to vent; however, it is a little bit more complex.
The fleshing out of this complexity is worthwhile as I believe there is an important lesson here for all of us.
Why was I upset?
It comes down to one word: (inflated and unreasonable) expectations.
Allow me to continue.
I was so proud of myself for what appeared to me to be a Solominic Solution to the ‘problem’ of how to ‘sell’ the Aliyos while maintaining the sanctity of the synagogue.
I was excited and anticipated a well spring of financial support from readers who are located too far to participate personally in the ‘auction’.
When I opened my email after the mass mailing and I saw so many responses, I was overjoyed and convinced that the bids were just flowing in- non-stop.
Imagine my disappointment when the majority of them were critical of either the wording of the email or of the entire process or of the fact that I omitted the selling of the wine for Kiddush and Havdala in my appeal.
The common denominator was that none of them were ‘cash-bids’ and that was disappointing.
Now for the lesson- indeed the final lesson of Yom Tov.
Many of us have our expectations of what Yom Tov, our Shul and indeed our wives and lives (and of course our husbands and our kids) should look like.
We all have our hopes and our wants.
The women of the kehilla have no doubt spent hours and hours cooking and preparing; all in the anticipation that their husbands and children will enjoy and consume their delicacies.
However, sometimes the husband is not hungry.
Sometimes the children do not enjoy ‘creamed broccoli’.
The mother’s initial reaction may be to vent and verbally lash out.
“I have slaved in the kitchen for hours and you don’t even touch the broccoli- potato-soufflé which I made just for you?!”
The father has his expectations about how his kids should stay in Shul for davening.
However, they have their own ideas and feelings.
Often these two sets of expectations and feelings do not jive and the father is disappointed and may vent his disappointment to his children and or wife.
However, if one thinks things through, he/she should really not be upset.
So too, Rabbi Eisenman cannot be upset that not too many people bid.
If he would have thought things out- he would realize that:
- People are maxed out and…
- Indeed, even many of the critical emails (if not all of them) were ‘on target’.
- He did forget to mention the selling of wine and…
- He probably could have worded it better.
The mother should not be upset if the family is not eating as she should realize that most of the time her husband and the kids do enjoy the food and that she should not get too bent out of shape just because today no one is hungry; after all it has been a long Yom Tov.
The father must realize that he really does have good kids and that no kids spend as much time in shul as their father’s would want them to; he too should not be upset.
The lesson therefore is twofold.
On one hand as we enter the last phase of this Yom Tov season we have to lower our expectations of each other and ask ourselves, “Are these expectations realistic?”
If we can allow our Yom Tov expectations of each other to be realigned to more realistic levels, we can help insure a calmer Yom Tov.
However, there is one more thing.
When we are criticized and our expectations are not met, and when we are taken to task, we should condition ourselves not to attack and not to go on the offensive.
Rather, we should habituate ourselves to ask, “Perhaps there is truth to what has been said. Maybe it is I who can improve?”
By reducing our level of anticipation and expectation we also lower the possible disappointment.
Simultaneously, even when we are criticized, we should attempt to train ourselves to listen to the criticism and to ignore the possible and potential personal pain and instead we should focus on how we can use this criticism to make ourselves better people.
So I must conclude this email with words of thanks and gratitude.
I must thank all of you for allowing to me to re-align my sometimes exaggerated and inflated expectations of others to more proper and realistic levels.
However, equally and perhaps even more importantly, thank you for keeping me on the straight and narrow and not allowing my exaggerated and potentially harmful expectations to run havoc in the Shul.
May Hashem allow all of us this Yom Tov and always, to be able to see the events of our lives in a realistic manner and to allow us to learn and grow from the criticism of our actions; thereby never falling prey to the destructive forces of mediocrity and stagnation.
A Gutten Yom Tov to all.